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The scam artists responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie are back with their latest con, Vampires Suck, one of those rare movies with a self-reviewing title
How do they parody Dakota Fanning's character and her psychic ability to inflict indescribable pain (much like what I felt during the pre-title and third act of this film)? They don't. They found a way to shoehorn in pointless references to "Jersey Shore", "Gossip Girl", Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Alice in Wonderland, and so on (Shockingly, no Justin Bieber jokes!), but a single gag mocking an aspect of Twilight begging for riffing was somehow asking too much.
Another gag sees Edward fighting off a pair of vampires by tossing them into tanning beds, their legs shown twitching as they roast. But these are Twilight vampires and Twilight vampires aren't supposed to burn in sunlight - they sparkle, a conceit F&S had already poked fun at twice by the time of this scene. These two are such inept writers I wouldn't even trust them to write a check.
So many opportunities are missed it reached the point I found myself thinking what I might have done with certain scenes. Like when the evil redheaded vampire based on the Victoria character from Twilight gets written out of the film never to be seen again; the dreadlocked vampire hold up a photo of Bryce Dallas Howard (who replaced the original Victoria actress in the latest Twilight sequel) and makes a comment not a joke - about how the role had been recast. They thought that would generate laughs? How about saying the role has been recast and then have Clint Howard (Bryce Dallas Howard's real-life uncle) emerge in drag dressed as Victoria? Maybe it would have gotten a laugh, maybe it wouldn't, but at least it would have been an attempt at an actual pun rather than just a lame observation masquerading as a punch line.
Perhaps the only unintentional success of Vampires Suck was that I often couldn't tell the difference between the two leads in this parody and their actual Twilight counterparts. I dare say newcomer Jenn Proske does a better Bella Swan than Kristen Stewart, and I'd even go so far to say she's prettier, too. Matt Lanter's tongue-in-cheek take on every teenage girl's undead albino wet dream isn't all that different from Robert Pattinson aside from Lanter looking less like someone experiencing nicotine withdrawal and, of course, his lack of eyebrows that can double for Seventies porn mustaches. I fully expect to see these two in better films in the future, although given this is Lanter's second session in the F&S dungeon, having previously starred in Disaster Movie, maybe not.
Vampires Suck is a pathetic reminder of how the art of the spoof movie has been all but lost since about 1995. A Jonas Brothers joke was the only line that garnered so much as a faint chuckle out of me, possibly because it was one of the only in a myriad of lame pop culture of the moment jokes that actually had a set-up and some context to it. To see how the comedic talents of Diedrich Bader and Ken Jeong go to waste here is nothing short of criminal. Ah, hell, the whole movie is a crime. Scam artists, I tell you.
Before anyone tries to argue that I'm not the right person to judge Vampires Suck because I'm not a member of the target demographic, I dragged my 16-year old Twilight loving niece along with me into this movie hell. She hated it so much it may have actually cured of her of her love for all things Twilight. I only heard her laugh once and whenever I glanced over to gauge her reaction to the drivel we were watching she appeared disgusted. Somewhere around the midpoint she leaned over to ask how much longer it would go on; from then on I noticed that she sat arms folded and stone-faced until the ordeal was finally over. Asking her what she thought afterwards, her one-sentence review muttered in a hushed yet very stern voice, "It was foul!" When I jokingly suggested we watch it again she shot me an icy stare that if looks could kill this review would be my epitaph.
===>Click here to watch Vampires Suck on megavideo for free<===
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